Thanks for posting this. I’m 81 and the wife is 79. Our parents passed on years ago and neither of us experienced this illness with them. Our main concern is us as we age. We do very well but are concerned with missing a step or two in the future. We made promises to not hesitate if this were to occur. I still do our taxes and am pretty hi tech for 81. Cathy is too. This article just increased our awareness of what could be. Bless you for being so attentive to your mom.
While you and your mother are holding up well, this has to be one of the cruelest afflictions visited upon humanity. I'd guess that anyone like you and I who have had firsthand experience with the decline of loved ones hopes every day for the medical community to find something, anything that would help slow down or even reverse the disease. The apparently totally misplaced focus on "plaque" in the brain has, according to people who understand these things better than I, set finding a cure back literally decades. Which is not only heartbreaking, but evokes a level of anger towards "whoever funds the research" as well. Sometimes, it seems prayer is all we have.
The picture frame is a good idea. Another is a device on which you can play the music she heard when she was younger. Music has a special way of recharging memories.
Thank you for sharing. I am choked up. I am 77 and one of these days...Having come from India, I am used to taking care of parents. I am glad to see that that tradition is still alive here in some quarters. Wish you and your family the best!
So sorry she and you are going through this. I'm one of nine kids and I've spent the last few years trying to convince my older siblings, the ones without children, to enter independent living in preparation for the inevitable aging and sickness that happen to most of us in our later years. So far I've had one success for 4 tries if I include my next door neighbor.
I keep trying to impress upon them that either they make the decision or someone else will. I tried to get one of my brother's in over the last 2 years. He said he hated "those" places. But in February he had a massive stroke and will be bed ridden for his remaking time on earth. He's now waiting for placement in wherever the hospital social worker can find. It's not pretty. He thought he would just wake up dead. But it never happens they way we imagine it. It's also a lot easier to get into a quality place while you are not on a stretcher. But alas even my 92 year old, and failing, neighbor still thinks that time is on his side.
I've been to 10 free lunches with and without my charges gathering materials, evidence and arguments. It's still a very hard sell and decision for people to make. I'm lucky because there are a couple of dozen, maybe more, Continuing Care physicalities in the 5 county area surrounding me. So with that level of competition all but one facility seemed excellent. One was so shabby I never got out of the car. I had a corporate accountant cousin check them all out financially. They all passed. Most are currently merging with bigger and or national outfits. This worries me. Many have a 90% refundable plan. But at some point you just have to pull the trigger. My sister entered a Continuing Care Retirement Community that's 150 years old with excellent finances and beautiful landscaping and services. She loves it. It was on the lower price range of all the possibilities. She has a full apartment with a balcony, lunches with her lady friends and is never bored. When I stop people in the hall and ask how they like it they universally say they wish they had done it sooner.
One of the 5 CCRC's that I took my 92 year old neighbor to has, no lie, 175 groups for you to join. I can't think of more than 5 things off the top of my head. There is a well attended "Linda" group though. I guess if they include names then maybe they should have more groups.
In any case I've made sure that all the candidate facilities had memory care because the need for memory care runs in my family.
One of my sons just turned 65. He and his wife are realizing they need to prepare for old age as they have no children. They have not kept themselves close to family members who would step in for them in their old age. We talked about this during one of their visits last night. Because they are now thinking about aging I hope by the time it really happens they have figured out what they need to do. I suggested they move to a retirement community with close neighbors, event coordinators and medical teams nearby. Currently they live on a ranch, very remote from help and neighbors. Not a senior friendly environment.
We were fortunate in that my mother only slipped into dementia in the last couple of months, and into incoherence in the last week of her life. She was five months shy of 100. She had serious physical challenges the last couple of years, but mentally was sharp and aware. She also had and loved the digital photo thingy.
I'm sorry, and we'll pray. It's hard, particularly for the one closest in both space and relationship.
Thank you, Glenn. My wife has now passed, but I know what you're experiencing. I thank God my wife knew who I was right up to the end. Even though she could not speak to me, she was joyful when I entered the room. God bless your mom.
At 89 I like to think my big problems are my instability and maybe some hearing loss. I do have some major health problems but I am not giving in to those. My husband will be 91 next month and he is slowly but surely deteriorating. His hearing keeps him solitary and that is very bad for seniors. His best friends are long gone, he has no one to share those memories with. His one brother lives in Australia. Their 7 year age difference means they did not really grow up as a close unit. I have been blessed with having siblings in my life and still have my identical twin, an older sister and a younger sister. That is a great aide to my mental health. We have loving children. My daughter lives in another state, 7 hours away. She and her brothers bought a small house here in our small town and she travels here every other month and stays at least a month helping to make sure all our doctor appointments are made and she goes with us. My husband is more amenable for her presence with the doctor than with mine, as I tend to be a little bossy. Maybe more than a little. I try to be patient. It is very hard to see the person who has led in our life need as much help as he does now. He still has his pride and I do not want to take that away from him.
Nice post. I was lucky not to really experience this with my parents. My mother faded very quickly, once her health failed and my father was sharp right up to the end. Towards the end he said, "I'm not afraid to die; I've made my peace with God, but I am afraid to live as a burden to everyone." Going into a care facility, knowing that you will likely not come out again, is hard on everyone. I hope I can face it as well as my father did. Nice article, thanks.
My mother in law suffered from Alzheimer's for 12 years before succumbing. It was bad. The fact that your mother is already of a good age likely means she won't suffer for that long, and thankfully, her resources allowed you all to get her well placed before it gets bad (wandering, sundowning, anxiety and violent outbursts completely out of character, etc.) But you still need to brace yourself. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not doing you any favors. My thoughts are with you.
That's hard. My mom's felt like it went on forever, though in fact I think it was only a couple of years. The worst part was that she stopped recognizing my dad (and in fact seemed vaguely frightened of him). At least once she seemed to think I was her husband, but by then she had lost so much speech that we were never quite sure.
What a wonderful family this precious woman has! Thank you for sharing. I am becoming increasingly convinced that the greatest deficit in our society is love. And, love is showing up because you want to, and unconditionally. I appreciate your work so much, but the longer I read you (this goes way back), the more I appreciate you as a person. Thank you for sharing!
God Bless, Glenn. We went through rapid-onset and decline dementia with my mother-in-law a few years ago. The good days winnowed away, but she was always still in there, I was sure.
Thanks for posting this. I’m 81 and the wife is 79. Our parents passed on years ago and neither of us experienced this illness with them. Our main concern is us as we age. We do very well but are concerned with missing a step or two in the future. We made promises to not hesitate if this were to occur. I still do our taxes and am pretty hi tech for 81. Cathy is too. This article just increased our awareness of what could be. Bless you for being so attentive to your mom.
Dear Glenn, this is a very important piece. Thank you. Jason
While you and your mother are holding up well, this has to be one of the cruelest afflictions visited upon humanity. I'd guess that anyone like you and I who have had firsthand experience with the decline of loved ones hopes every day for the medical community to find something, anything that would help slow down or even reverse the disease. The apparently totally misplaced focus on "plaque" in the brain has, according to people who understand these things better than I, set finding a cure back literally decades. Which is not only heartbreaking, but evokes a level of anger towards "whoever funds the research" as well. Sometimes, it seems prayer is all we have.
She's so beautiful - and I'm sure as beautiful on the inside as the outside.
The picture frame is a good idea. Another is a device on which you can play the music she heard when she was younger. Music has a special way of recharging memories.
Thank you for sharing. I am choked up. I am 77 and one of these days...Having come from India, I am used to taking care of parents. I am glad to see that that tradition is still alive here in some quarters. Wish you and your family the best!
So sorry she and you are going through this. I'm one of nine kids and I've spent the last few years trying to convince my older siblings, the ones without children, to enter independent living in preparation for the inevitable aging and sickness that happen to most of us in our later years. So far I've had one success for 4 tries if I include my next door neighbor.
I keep trying to impress upon them that either they make the decision or someone else will. I tried to get one of my brother's in over the last 2 years. He said he hated "those" places. But in February he had a massive stroke and will be bed ridden for his remaking time on earth. He's now waiting for placement in wherever the hospital social worker can find. It's not pretty. He thought he would just wake up dead. But it never happens they way we imagine it. It's also a lot easier to get into a quality place while you are not on a stretcher. But alas even my 92 year old, and failing, neighbor still thinks that time is on his side.
I've been to 10 free lunches with and without my charges gathering materials, evidence and arguments. It's still a very hard sell and decision for people to make. I'm lucky because there are a couple of dozen, maybe more, Continuing Care physicalities in the 5 county area surrounding me. So with that level of competition all but one facility seemed excellent. One was so shabby I never got out of the car. I had a corporate accountant cousin check them all out financially. They all passed. Most are currently merging with bigger and or national outfits. This worries me. Many have a 90% refundable plan. But at some point you just have to pull the trigger. My sister entered a Continuing Care Retirement Community that's 150 years old with excellent finances and beautiful landscaping and services. She loves it. It was on the lower price range of all the possibilities. She has a full apartment with a balcony, lunches with her lady friends and is never bored. When I stop people in the hall and ask how they like it they universally say they wish they had done it sooner.
One of the 5 CCRC's that I took my 92 year old neighbor to has, no lie, 175 groups for you to join. I can't think of more than 5 things off the top of my head. There is a well attended "Linda" group though. I guess if they include names then maybe they should have more groups.
In any case I've made sure that all the candidate facilities had memory care because the need for memory care runs in my family.
One of my sons just turned 65. He and his wife are realizing they need to prepare for old age as they have no children. They have not kept themselves close to family members who would step in for them in their old age. We talked about this during one of their visits last night. Because they are now thinking about aging I hope by the time it really happens they have figured out what they need to do. I suggested they move to a retirement community with close neighbors, event coordinators and medical teams nearby. Currently they live on a ranch, very remote from help and neighbors. Not a senior friendly environment.
We were fortunate in that my mother only slipped into dementia in the last couple of months, and into incoherence in the last week of her life. She was five months shy of 100. She had serious physical challenges the last couple of years, but mentally was sharp and aware. She also had and loved the digital photo thingy.
I'm sorry, and we'll pray. It's hard, particularly for the one closest in both space and relationship.
Thank you, Glenn. My wife has now passed, but I know what you're experiencing. I thank God my wife knew who I was right up to the end. Even though she could not speak to me, she was joyful when I entered the room. God bless your mom.
At 89 I like to think my big problems are my instability and maybe some hearing loss. I do have some major health problems but I am not giving in to those. My husband will be 91 next month and he is slowly but surely deteriorating. His hearing keeps him solitary and that is very bad for seniors. His best friends are long gone, he has no one to share those memories with. His one brother lives in Australia. Their 7 year age difference means they did not really grow up as a close unit. I have been blessed with having siblings in my life and still have my identical twin, an older sister and a younger sister. That is a great aide to my mental health. We have loving children. My daughter lives in another state, 7 hours away. She and her brothers bought a small house here in our small town and she travels here every other month and stays at least a month helping to make sure all our doctor appointments are made and she goes with us. My husband is more amenable for her presence with the doctor than with mine, as I tend to be a little bossy. Maybe more than a little. I try to be patient. It is very hard to see the person who has led in our life need as much help as he does now. He still has his pride and I do not want to take that away from him.
Nice post. I was lucky not to really experience this with my parents. My mother faded very quickly, once her health failed and my father was sharp right up to the end. Towards the end he said, "I'm not afraid to die; I've made my peace with God, but I am afraid to live as a burden to everyone." Going into a care facility, knowing that you will likely not come out again, is hard on everyone. I hope I can face it as well as my father did. Nice article, thanks.
My mother in law suffered from Alzheimer's for 12 years before succumbing. It was bad. The fact that your mother is already of a good age likely means she won't suffer for that long, and thankfully, her resources allowed you all to get her well placed before it gets bad (wandering, sundowning, anxiety and violent outbursts completely out of character, etc.) But you still need to brace yourself. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not doing you any favors. My thoughts are with you.
That's hard. My mom's felt like it went on forever, though in fact I think it was only a couple of years. The worst part was that she stopped recognizing my dad (and in fact seemed vaguely frightened of him). At least once she seemed to think I was her husband, but by then she had lost so much speech that we were never quite sure.
You are a good son sir. We've been there, done that. Presence for the lucid moments makes it worth it.
What a wonderful family this precious woman has! Thank you for sharing. I am becoming increasingly convinced that the greatest deficit in our society is love. And, love is showing up because you want to, and unconditionally. I appreciate your work so much, but the longer I read you (this goes way back), the more I appreciate you as a person. Thank you for sharing!
My mom is 86 and still just fine, but I worry. Your childhood looks a lot like mine, right on down to the hole in your ToughSkins. : )
I appreciated the piece.
God Bless, Glenn. We went through rapid-onset and decline dementia with my mother-in-law a few years ago. The good days winnowed away, but she was always still in there, I was sure.